What Happens When Your Husband Is Diagnosed With Autism?
If you’ve followed me for a while you will know that last year was a big year for us. Two of our four children were diagnosed with Autism. It was huge and overwhelming but incredibly positive and wonderful too. We’ve already made so many good changes in the ways that we parent, the ways that we do family life and the ways in which we are creating a home that is nurturing, calm, creative and loving for both the neurodiverse and the neurotypical among us.
But the biggest thing for me last year wasn’t my children’s diagnoses but my husband’s! Yes, he too is Autistic (and likely also has ADHD), so we are a 50/50 family. Something which I think is incredibly special and wonderful but something that has also made my head spin a lot over the past few months, while I have settled into understanding more about what I’ve really known all along.
Stef has always talked about Autism but we both kept brushing it aside and getting on with doing all the things and having all the children. If you know us, you’ll know we lead full lives! However, when I started reading what has become the most life changing book I think I will ever read, I recognised my husband on pretty much every page. For a few days I was in a state of shock. Here I was reading a book to help my son, quickly followed by the realisation that I was also reading about my daughter, and then on top of that here was my husband!
So, so many questions flooded through my mind, especially about whether he really loved me (of course he flipping does!!), could he love me, was I going to have to do everything at home forever more (we’ve already made so much progress on this!)…and just so much more. My daily meditation practise has never been so important to me than during these first few weeks of really knowing that my husband is Autistic.
I felt pretty alone for a while. I didn’t have anyone to ask “hey when your husband was diagnosed, how did you feel?” I did speak to friends but it all felt really strange and tricky. It was much easier to focus on the children but talking about my husband being Autistic felt uncomfortable for a while. At the same time Stef was going through his own journey with all of this and it was very different to mine, so for the first time ever we had something that we couldn’t really share. We were also beginning to understand how different our brains are in many ways, so we were actually processing the whole thing very differently. Fascinating and frustrating in equal measure.
A few months later Stef got his Autism diagnosis, which was not a surprise at all but it still felt like a huge shock because so, so many things suddenly made sense. My poor brain went into overdrive as I read the long report and very rapidly began to make sense of 15 years of so much stuff!!
It’s been a lot and I am very sure that I will write so much more about it in time. I have a Podcast coming at some point in 2020 and I’m sure I will also speak about it on there too.
But for now, I want to focus on some of the many, many positive things that have come out of Stef finally getting diagnosed and also to give him a big shout out for the amazing fundraising for Autism that he is doing this year.
The best thing is that I am learning how to be really clear about what I need from him. And it works so well for both of us. There is so much less upset or confusion and he’s doing so much more at home!
We’re making small changes that have high impact. For example, where we sit when we go out for dinner really impacts Stef’s enjoyment of the experience, so now instead of him trying to be really polite and ask me where I want to sit (even after all these years he is still such a gentleman!), we both know that he is going to decide. I know that might sound the silliest of things but it makes such a difference.
For Stef, I think the most positive thing so far is that he’s started running and getting fit. It’s only taken 15 years of me suggesting he might like it!! In true Autistic fashion he has got totally obsessed. He has all the apps and all the gear. Of course he has! But it’s making him so happy. It’s getting him out of bed (I’m slightly less irritated by his slowness in the morning now I know it’s connected to his Autism!) and it’s having such a good impact on not just his physical health but his mental health too.
We are both super committed to speaking and writing about Autism and Neurodiversity as much as we can. We are both good at talking and sharing, so we feel it is our duty to do this for those who can’t.
Our world is in a mess in so many ways and I really believe that the creative and different ways that Neurodiverse people see and understand the world are critical for helping us all make changes, develop technologies and so much more.
We need a world where Neurodiversity can be accepted, supported and understood, and I am going to make sure that my family and I do all we can to be a part of helping this to happen.
You can read more about Stef’s story here and support his fundraising here. xo
